yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
