i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He's on the porch naked. Help.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
