You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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