The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
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