Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
