I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
