My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
