I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
