i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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