im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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