overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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