It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
