someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
