I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize