Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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