Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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