Sponge bath it is.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
