goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
