And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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