No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
