i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
