You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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