i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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