is your mom at the bar?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
