SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
