rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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