I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize