Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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