for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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