I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
