Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I yelled at your uterus for you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
