haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
