I think im going to throw up on grandma
there was a trapeze. enough said
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
