gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize