I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
