me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize