i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
