i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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