In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
