Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
