Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
