If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
