two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
