If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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