I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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