bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Small penises have feelings too.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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