omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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