a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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