you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
