If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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