you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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