i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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