Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
