I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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