I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
