a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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