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• (718): View more from New York

  My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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• (239): View more from Florida

  No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.

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• (623): View more from Arizona

  this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos

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• (206): View more from Washington

  I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Good news! Blood’s flowing!

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