I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
the raccoons are back...
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