Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
