look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
