Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
