I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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