You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
